The Way To A Man's Heart...

...has traditionally been through his stomach.  So, as I can't go out and buy a present, I thought that I would bake a cake.  I've had the heart shaped tin for ages, but have rarely ever used it, except at Christmas.  But today was the day, whilst he was at the acupuncturist.  Today was also the day for orange cupcakes; orange rind in the batter, freshly squeezed orange juice in the icing.  Yum.  And the soup is made for the week, and pizza is in the oven (home made, of course).  I'm not obsessed with food, honest...I just like to eat a lot!  And home made is always best.

So...what have you got your sweetie for Valentine's?

The Problem With Depression...

...or one of them anyway, is that you have a tendency to not do stuff.  That'll wait til later... I can't be bothered... I'll fail, anyway... It's procrastination gone mad.  And I use the word advisedly.  I suffer from procrastination; I think we all do.  When I'm depressed, though, everything becomes pointless, so nothing gets done. 

The upside of Robin being out of work, though, is that it provides an imperative.  I'm not buying convenience foods or anything that's expensive, for that matter, so if I don't cook, we don't eat.  And whilst I do have a repertoire of 'instant' meals, you get sick of the same thing over and over.  So I got a grip, cleaned the kitchen and made cake.  What else would you expect me to do?  Oh, I also made soup, and slow cooked a chicken until it melts in the mouth...but it's really the cake that does it.  In particular, I made a lovely carrot cake (the banana bread was okay, you understand, but not a patch on the carrot cake).  It's nearly all gone, of course...visitors and the two of us have put paid to all of it barring two slices, which are earmarked for tonight's tea.

Somehow, getting one thing moving in one part of your life, helps you to get other bits moving, particularly if you give it a bit of a gentle shove.  Yesterday was not a good day, but I made myself start clearing out the conservatory, which has been suffering from 'do it in another lifetime' syndrome.  Since I want to move Big Bertha out of the studio and into said conservatory, I need to make space for her.  More about that on the other blog; Bertha, if you didn't know, is my large scale Epson printer.  It felt like rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic, but I managed a little bit of it.  Today, I've got stuck in and have got half the room rearranged, with a perfect space for Bertha created.  I've moved my fabric around (the conservatory houses my fabric for dyeing), folding it up and making more space.  Things are slowly looking up.

And, of course, as I'm doing this, I'm seeing interesting things and thinking interesting thoughts.  As the depression fog lifts, my mind turns to what I need to do to get active and make some money.  I've been talking about getting stuff onto etsy for months...maybe now it's time to do it.    All of these things combined, make me feel better still.  As they say, a thousand mile journey begins with the first step.  No matter how wrong it might feel, the more I do, the better I feel.  I prophesy a return to regular blogging...  

Here We Go Again.

I'm in a bit of a state.  A year ago, my lovely husband took what seemed to be the perfect job.  And it was, on paper.  A year later, he could no longer bear to work there, for reasons I won't go into here, and handed in his notice.  He finished on 31 December, and has not been able to find more work.  Anyone looking for a good Finance Director anywhere in the UK, please feel free to shout out!

So... we have roughly £60 a week coming in until he gets another job, or six months passes, whichever comes first.  This has happened before, so we know how to handle it, but I thought I would record my attempts to save money, make do and mend and all those lovely things that we promise ourselves we will do when it's not strictly necessary, and immediately start to do when it is.

I've started by cooking up a storm; this has halved our food bill.  I think this is probably the most straightforward contribution I can make to our joint finances.  No convenience food of any kind, less meat, more veg, and home made cake and biscuits (this week, it's banana bread).   Strictly speaking, the cake etc is not necessary, but everybody has to have a little sweetness in their lives...  And the challenge is to use everything up... no throwing out.  At the moment, there's not all that much in my fridge, but I made fish pie yesterday, and made enough for two meals.  The tomato sauce I made to mix the fish into, I made a double amount of, and that is waiting in a container for me to make pizza.  There's some pork mince, some of which will be cooked with doughballs, and some as a chilli. 

Not throwing anything out means using the disasters, too.  I made some flapjacks with maple syrup,which didn't work too well, and crumbled as I took them out of the pan (note to self, leave overnight before removing from pan...the ones I had abandoned came out beautifully this morning, sigh.)  So, I made too much custard yesterday (that was to go with the remains of a chocolate and maple syrup sponge which I'd made from stuff in the storecupboard).  I've mixed that with a little creme fraiche and the remains of the  lemon curd I made at Christmas (no more of that, it's an indulgence...) Then I stirred the flapjack crumbs into the mix.  It tastes very nice...very rich, certainly, so small portions are on the cards, which means it will go further...hurrah.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, though given that I've been out of the job market for some time, it seems unlikely I'll get anything.  So, just in case things get out of hand, and we have to sell the house, I'll be doing the other half of my domestic diva impression, and finishing off all the jobs that I should probably have done years ago...and hopefully get rid of my son's possessions...which would give me a lot more room to play with!  So watch this space for more wittering about downsizing, repairing and generally tarting up...

Lucky Me.

I thought that today, on my 50th birthday, I'd do a bit of stocktaking. This has to be the best part of my life...I am surrounded by friends and family, our son is about to marry a lovely girl, and I am living my dreams with a wonderful, supportive, loving husband in a beautiful house in the Norfolk countryside. It sounds idyllic, doesn't it? I agree, and it is.

It wasn't an auspicious start... I was the 'wrong' sex; my mother wanted a boy, hoping that her married partner would divorce his wife and marry her, rather than just living with her, if she gave him the much wanted son... It didn't work, of course. My birth wasn't registered; it's not the kind of welcome you hope for. And those of you who know me know that I have spent a significant amount of time unravelling the emotional damage of a difficult relationship with my mother, an alcoholic. Finally, though, over the past couple of years, that has all been put behind me, as much as it can be, and I live a joyful, creative life. I am indeed, very lucky.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me birthday wishes on facebook or elsewhere, and hug all my lovely friends who add joy and laughter to my life. I hope everyone has a happy, happy day! And remember... above all, change is possible. Or, as someone smarter than me once said, 'It's not what is done to you that is important, it's what you do with what was done to you'. I have changed my life for the better...and if I can, what's stopping you?

Froggy Went A-Courtin'...

and, judging by the amount of frog spawn in the pond, he did so with considerable effect. Well, they, really...four that we've seen, and probably more lurking in the depths of the pond. It's amazing the difference a week has made, turning the pond from frozen stillness to a hive of activity (possibly an unfortunate mixed metaphor, there, but...). A couple of ladybirds were paddling on the surface of the pond today, and we noticed several water beetles as well as the frogs. Doubtless there'll be newts there, too, but we haven't seen them yet. The daffodils are coming out, snowdrops and crocuses still flourish, and all's well with the spring garden. Hurrah!

I hadn't realized how fast the time was passing, haven't written here for over a year. Must Try Harder... but it's unlikely to be in the next couple of weeks, as I'm off to the North for a week shortly, to visit friends and relations and have A Good Time!

Breaking Negative Cycles

I spent a lovely day yesterday visiting my niece. Those of you who know my story, will know that my family situation was seriously dysfunctional. Social workers talk about 'the cycle of abuse', I read somewhere. They say it takes three generations for an abusive pattern to disappear. My niece has been estranged from her mother until recently, just as I was estranged from my sister, her mother. So I thought I would tell her some family stories.

When I think about it, there have been patterns that have indeed repeated themselves in our story, though they in themselves were not abusive. My mother married in her teens, as did my sister and myself, whilst my niece had her first baby in her teens. As we talked, we agreed that we had all done so to escape a difficult family situation. Of all of us, I am the only one to remain married to the same person; all the other relationships have broken up. My mother was estranged from her mother for a time, just as I was estranged from mine for over twenty years, my niece from hers. All for different reasons, but it's interesting to see those patterns emerge.

But it is equally interesting to see the patterns break. My own son, beloved, decided not to get married last year, as he felt it wasn't right for him. Another niece is pursuing a university degree, with no signs of marriage imminent. My sister's second marriage is over twenty years old (as it were). Whilst the niece I visited is bringing up two joyful, happy, secure children on her own. I'm sure it's not easy, but she is making a wonderful job of it!

Why am I telling you this? I think, because it is so hopeful. There has been so much pain in our family over the years, but there are clear signs that that pain is, if not over, at least muted. That our behaviours are no longer causing such pain in our children, and hopefully, that they will not adopt such behaviours with theirs, if and when they choose to have them. Tolstoi said that all happy families are the same, but that all unhappy families are unique in their circumstances (a misquote, but it's close). What he didn't add, was that change is possible, and that when it happens, the pleasure of creating strong familial ties is even stronger than it otherwise might be. If you are in the situation I was, take heart. Change is possible. And know that you are not alone, either. Lots of us struggle with such issues, and not only survive, but grow, change and learn. I wish you luck on the journey.

Starry, Starry Night...

I went for a wee wander around some blogs and found this quiz on Janine's blog.
She turned out as a Hermit...I, on the other hand, came out as a star. I love the stars; we have no street lights in the village, so we can see them clearly most nights... and the tarot card is intriguing. Does it match me? I would like to think so.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.